Becoming Unsingle

After a while, being single becomes a kind of comfort zone. I have mastered the art of taking care of myself. I stand up for myself, I spoil myself, and most importantly, I love myself. I got used to having no expectations for anyone, but complete self-reliance. Though, no matter how much I embraced my singleness, life always has a way of surprising me. Sometimes the perfect man appears, despite my many attempts to remain happily alone. I have found this transition from bachelorette to a girlfriend to be an unique experience, paired with very conflicting inner dialogue.

I like you, a lot.

The minute I first saw you, I knew two things: you are incredibly attractive and I want to know more. So, naturally, I agreed to a date. I didn’t think much of it; it was an opportunity for good food and conversation. We talked and laughed, you listened and learned, I smiled and slowly softened. The more time I spent with you the happier I became. I like you. I like your smile, the way you watch my mouth move when I talk, the questions you ask me over dinner, and the feel of your hand resting on mine.

I don’t know how to do this

I didn’t realize how much I missed the feeling of mutual infatuation until it hit me square in the face with you. The romance and affection is so comforting, but overwhelming. I took a complete 360 when you entered my life. I found myself having to face the fact: I am no longer alone. I worry. I worry I don’t know how to be a good girlfriend anymore. Can the ability to love ever be completely lost, or is it innate?

I have spent so long being self-sufficient. My loyalty has been to my family, my friends, my career, and my own best interest. Do I have room for someone else? I am hoping it will get easier in time. Patience is a virtue, so they say.

You can’t be real

Right as I was beginning to lose faith and planning my life forever alone, you appeared out of thin air. Here you are, after so much time, trying to pull me back to the surface. You are kind. You care. You look at me like I’m the best thing you have seen all day.

Are you real??? I forgot that people like you exist in the world. I am still a little starstruck by you and your general existence.

I’m problem

All my bad experiences and all my failed relationships left emotional wounds that need a lot of time to heal. I need time to process, reevaluate, and make changes. That’s why I have been single, up until now. I needed to be alone, and most importantly, needed to learn how to be happily alone. Yet still, your compliments make me nervous. Your sincerity scares me silly. I find myself irrationally doubting your intentions. My head knows that you are genuine and benevolent, but my heart still distrusts everything that walks. Get your shit together, Sam. Stop psychoanalyzing something that doesn’t need psychoanalysis.  You tell me I deserve kindness and respect, but sometimes it is hard to believe. You say all the right things, but sometimes my own insecurities get in the way. My brain is basically a 90’s romantic comedy: “It’s not you, it’s me”.

Why Not?

I’ll do everything I can to make this work and glue myself back together. I’ll tiptoe out of my comfort zone and treat you with the kindness and respect you show me. Because why not? Why not jump into something, even with the risk of failure? Risks and vulnerability are what keep us alive and our adrenaline pumping. I am a little broken, a little damaged. I have major commitment issues. But I will learn, I will adapt, I will grow. I hope that soon your presence will be second nature and loving you will be easy.

Samantha ClarkComment